How I stunned myself silent
I should write about my tempo run tonight, but that can wait. I want to share something that happened Sunday while driving in the car with my family.
My sister and I have been planning a trip to Longview, Texas to visit our grandmother's old house and the places she took us when we'd visit her there. She died when I was 16, so it's been many, many years since my sister and I were there.
My Granny had a small 2 bedroom house on Mobberly Street. Right next door was a convenience store, and we'd always sneak over there to buy candy (of course to do that meant sneaking into Granny's wallet). Across the street was a Dairy Queen (I think). It actually may have been a few different restaurants, but we'd go there every so often. Her back yard was big, and she had a garden in the far back. We'd help her out there every now and then. Her house had a certain smell, and to this day, natural gas will pop up vivid memories of her house since she had those gas heaters that need to be lit. Gosh, how dangerous those things are/were.
She'd take us to a trail that was beautiful with big trees and red dirt. She would pack homemade biscuits filled with butter and jelly, and we'd walk along the trail and explore. She took us to Pancho's which we thought was the greatest place on earth with it's little Mexican flag on the tables that we'd fight over raising. And somewhere in Longview is a swimming pool that we'd go to during the summers.
Those are just a few of the places and memories - some of the main ones my sister and I mentioned and wanted to see or find. Naturally, we want to visit her grave, which is outside of Longview somewhere.
So, Sunday in the car, I was telling David and the boys all about these places and my Granny. I was so involved in the memories and telling them about this and that, and I realized I didn't know where any of these places were within Longview. How would we even find the trail? Was is a huge city park? Was it some trail outside of Longview? I thought to myself, Well, Dad can show us where all the places are. I actually thought it as though he would draw a map or circle spots on a printed map. The problem with this thought is that my father died over 12 years ago.
It sucked my breath clean out of me when I realized what I had done. I haven't "forgotten" my father was dead in about 12 years. I don't know what came over me, why I thought of him as living and able to map out our trip for us. It wasn't that I was asking him for guidance "from above." I was clearly thinking that he'd help the same way David or my mother would help us map the trip.
Of course it upset me. I told David and the boys and then sat stunned wondering why my brain would trick me in such a cruel way.
So, we may still go to Longview over part of Spring Break. If not, we are hoping for late April. I know we will be shocked to see her house as it was already in a very bad part of town. I hope we can find the trail. I don't so much care about the Pancho's or pool. I want to drive there the same way we always drove there so I can see the same small towns and grain silos. I know we'll find her grave and put some much deserved fresh flowers out for her. She taught me to crochet. She sewed me so many dresses and clothes. She crocheted sweaters, jackets, scarves, hats, and blankets for us. She quilted for us. She saved her meager social security to give us presents at Christmas and birthday. She always gave me those soft peppermint sticks that melt in your mouth because she knew I loved them. She taught us card games like Rummy and domino games and a board game with marbles called Wahoo. And she cooked really amazing country suppers. I loved looking through her costume jewelry and playing dress up with it and her scarves and shawls. I loved looking through her dresser drawers in her sewing room because that is where she kept her bolts of fabric. I didn't show her that I loved her when I was a bratty teenager, and I'm sorry for it. I know she knows I loved her, but I wish I'd been a better kid. I wish I'd been one of those kids that respects and loves her elders even if it's not cool or the elders seem so stupid and irritating.
She's the only person who was allowed (and still is allowed) to call me Jessie.
My sister and I have been planning a trip to Longview, Texas to visit our grandmother's old house and the places she took us when we'd visit her there. She died when I was 16, so it's been many, many years since my sister and I were there.
My Granny had a small 2 bedroom house on Mobberly Street. Right next door was a convenience store, and we'd always sneak over there to buy candy (of course to do that meant sneaking into Granny's wallet). Across the street was a Dairy Queen (I think). It actually may have been a few different restaurants, but we'd go there every so often. Her back yard was big, and she had a garden in the far back. We'd help her out there every now and then. Her house had a certain smell, and to this day, natural gas will pop up vivid memories of her house since she had those gas heaters that need to be lit. Gosh, how dangerous those things are/were.
She'd take us to a trail that was beautiful with big trees and red dirt. She would pack homemade biscuits filled with butter and jelly, and we'd walk along the trail and explore. She took us to Pancho's which we thought was the greatest place on earth with it's little Mexican flag on the tables that we'd fight over raising. And somewhere in Longview is a swimming pool that we'd go to during the summers.
Those are just a few of the places and memories - some of the main ones my sister and I mentioned and wanted to see or find. Naturally, we want to visit her grave, which is outside of Longview somewhere.
So, Sunday in the car, I was telling David and the boys all about these places and my Granny. I was so involved in the memories and telling them about this and that, and I realized I didn't know where any of these places were within Longview. How would we even find the trail? Was is a huge city park? Was it some trail outside of Longview? I thought to myself, Well, Dad can show us where all the places are. I actually thought it as though he would draw a map or circle spots on a printed map. The problem with this thought is that my father died over 12 years ago.
It sucked my breath clean out of me when I realized what I had done. I haven't "forgotten" my father was dead in about 12 years. I don't know what came over me, why I thought of him as living and able to map out our trip for us. It wasn't that I was asking him for guidance "from above." I was clearly thinking that he'd help the same way David or my mother would help us map the trip.
Of course it upset me. I told David and the boys and then sat stunned wondering why my brain would trick me in such a cruel way.
So, we may still go to Longview over part of Spring Break. If not, we are hoping for late April. I know we will be shocked to see her house as it was already in a very bad part of town. I hope we can find the trail. I don't so much care about the Pancho's or pool. I want to drive there the same way we always drove there so I can see the same small towns and grain silos. I know we'll find her grave and put some much deserved fresh flowers out for her. She taught me to crochet. She sewed me so many dresses and clothes. She crocheted sweaters, jackets, scarves, hats, and blankets for us. She quilted for us. She saved her meager social security to give us presents at Christmas and birthday. She always gave me those soft peppermint sticks that melt in your mouth because she knew I loved them. She taught us card games like Rummy and domino games and a board game with marbles called Wahoo. And she cooked really amazing country suppers. I loved looking through her costume jewelry and playing dress up with it and her scarves and shawls. I loved looking through her dresser drawers in her sewing room because that is where she kept her bolts of fabric. I didn't show her that I loved her when I was a bratty teenager, and I'm sorry for it. I know she knows I loved her, but I wish I'd been a better kid. I wish I'd been one of those kids that respects and loves her elders even if it's not cool or the elders seem so stupid and irritating.
She's the only person who was allowed (and still is allowed) to call me Jessie.
Labels: family
posted by Jessica at
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